LOL, Mark.

There was the probation absconder whose Nebraska employer told me, "Y'all aren't going to expedite him, anyway."

And the victim's father who repeatedly asks me about the flea bargaining process.

Check it out:

Flea Bargaining in Action

Where do you find this stuff, John?

Is it worse to post it or be the one reading it?

Just yesterday we had a defendant's father come in and ask us if his son could sign a waiver of expedition.

John, I do not consider that to be a fair question. In any event, I am going to rely on a twinkies defense.

And then there was the defendant who wanted to sponge his conviction...

Heck, he was only trying to clean up his record.

And then there was the defendant that in the course of his testimony stated several times that he had been stopped by two Texas Highway Petroleums.

"I'm not making this up."

My favorite turn of phrase came from a Dallas police report years and years ago when an officer reported that a prisoner resisted and had to be "physically seduced" to be brought under control.

I've recently received a number of reports on drug cases where the officer administered a "presumptuous field test" to see what exactly the defendant possessed. For some reason, defense attorneys don't have the same respect for presumptuous tests that we do...

Hot off the press and from a recent police report that I'm reading at this very moment....

"I then advised _______ that we were going to get a search warrant for the residence in case there was any FOWEL play that involved the death of ________."

I once read a report regarding an environmental matter that was closed by local law enforcement as being a "fedral offense" for the "fedral authorities" to handle ...

I think it's about time this entire thread gets sent in for use in Judge Buchmeyer's column in the State Bar Journal. There's enough material to cover the next 12 issues!

Janette Ansolabehere

This string reminds me of once when I heard the Second Amendment described as the right to arm bears.

I just got in on this continuing saga - we had the deferred ajudification and the provoked bonds and probation and we also have had our objections substained when in fact they meant overruled and then there are the guys that want to go to SAFEPEE and we just had a guy ask for one of those lie detective tests as long as it didn't take six months to get one - I think maybe alot longer since we have to find the detective first.

I like "aggravated" theft instead of "aggregated" theft. Thieves are so aggravating.

...Or the offense report I recently read that said "subject was arrested due to the subject's extreme INTOXIFICATION"

...Or an agg. assault which occurred in a liquor store wherein the deadly weapon was "a bottle of TANKER RAY"

...Or the assault where the victim came running outside in her "BEAR FEET"

We SHOULD write a book!

In a recent letter from a theft suspect:

These two couches being claimed as stolen came as a surprise to me, because when I moved in [the landlord] gave me permission to throw them out by the garbage because they were dirty and torn. But my husband and I didn't have couches, so we cleaned them with apostery cleaner and had his grandmother sow the cushions.

I have heard of throw pillows, but not grow cushions.