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THE ONION Crime Stories Thread

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April 30, 2010, 23:21
THE ONION Crime Stories Thread
This is a thread for posting site appropriate "crime" stories from The Onion. I'll start with this one. We all need a laugh now and then, don't we?

This one reminds me of the folks who always get in front of the news cameras when a tornado or hurricane hits Texas. You know, the ones who say "It took momma and our horse trailer clean up in the air and that was the last we seen of 'em. You could see the horse tails wig-wagging from the back of the trailer as they got carried away. It'z 'ike something out of the Wizard of Oz."

Here's the link, followed by some excerpts:

Pickup Truck Stoled

LOGANSPORT, IN�Right out there, right in plain damn sight, a pickup truck got stoled last night out by the Murphy place, sources done reported Thursday.

According to eyewitnesses who seen it parked there, the truck, one of them nice Ford F-150 XLTs with the 4x4 and some real professional-type detail work that probably cost a bundle, was black.

"Everyone knows that's my truck. Why'd someone go and take it?" said owner Dale Hest, 35, the stepson of ol' Otto Murphy. "I just don't get it."

"Had my fishing lures in the backseat, too," Hest added. "The good ones I use for bass."


People in Logansport are like to believe that, if this trend continues, their own truck could be next.

"Let's see 'em try and get mine," said resident Jeff Kramer, a drunk but a good guy basically, who owns a pickup. "All they're gonna get's a size-12 boot up their ass."

With little to do but sit and wait, Hest said he hopes his truck will turn up somewheres pretty soon, 'cause that load of cinder blocks ain't haulin' itself up to Winamac.
May 03, 2010, 06:57
A.P. Merillat
"It was pandelerium. I thought we would be kilt, or even worse. All I could think of was,
'Carolyn's got my casserole dish...'".
May 03, 2010, 10:40
Jason Bujnosek
This 1997 article is more of a wry comment on how the media goes nuts when a cute kid is a victim, rather than a real laugh-out-loud story; it came out a month after the JonBenet Ramsey murder.

Ugly Girl Killed
Edith, a homely six-year-old with thick glasses and a decidedly non-winning smile, was laid to rest largely as she had lived—unnoticed by the general population.

May 05, 2010, 14:34
Andrea W
More of an appellate than crime story, but worth it for the picture.

Supreme Court Upholds Freedom of Speech in Obscenity-Laden Opinion
May 05, 2010, 14:59
I laughed. I cried. I snorted. Then I laughed at myself for snorting. That was hysterical - and probably, behind the scenes, halfway true.
May 05, 2010, 15:59
Scott Brumley
The (please tell me it wasn't Photoshopped) picture of Justice Ginsburg says it all.
May 05, 2010, 16:32
I have not laughed that hard in a really long time.
May 06, 2010, 10:04
John Dodson
Ditto Suzanne!! ROFL!!
May 06, 2010, 10:07
OMG! It may not be a real opinion - but it is surely one that needs to be written! I really needed this laugh today! Thank you.
May 06, 2010, 21:49
That article is priceless. Everyone in the office was in tears, snorting and laughing.
May 27, 2010, 09:02
Not really a crime story either.

But the recent spate of worker suicides in a Chinese electronic plant that makes, among other things, iphones and ipads, run by corporate entity called Foxconn, issued some steps they are taking to try to reduce the worker suicides.

The last worker who died lept to his death from a building.

A young man who jumped to his death late Wednesday became the 10th person at the Shenzhen factor--and the 11th Foxconn worker--to commit suicide this year.

Here's one of Foxconn's solutions...wait for it:

The company plans to institute new measures it hopes will prevent additional employee deaths. In addition to installing safety nets on Foxconn buildings, Foxconn chairman Terry Gou said more counselors would be hired, and explained that "employees were being divided up into 50-member groups, whose members would watch for signs of emotional trouble within their group." The Sydney Morning Herald reported yesterday that the factory had also asked their employees to sign a "no suicide" pledge."

The Associated Press writes of Foxconn's labor practices: "Labor activists have long said that Foxconn's problem was a rigid management style on factory floors, where the assembly line moved too fast and workers were forced to log too much overtime. Foxconn has repeatedly denied the allegations."

Not the kind of safety net I want at work