i've heard of a judge who "substains" objections.

S is walking down road, sees police unit on patrol, as police unit passes calls out "Hey Dawg."

Cop stops to see if any problem. S says nope just poor choice of words. Cop checks dispatch. S has warrant. Sometimes it is just too easy.

[This message was edited by Gordon LeMaire on 07-14-04 at .]

Last week a defendant who has decided to represent himself on the appeal of his 99 year sentence told the judge that he needed to file some papers to "reserve error". I'm pretty sure he won't need reservations for the errors he's about to commit on appeal.

In a defendant's letter, he complains about his lack of communication with his defense attorney:

You've appointed me three lawyers and the one I have now, is hidding all my court appearance's, I have the right to have family support with me in court and I believe this is comming about, because of hatetrism in the court of law in this County of Cooke: I ben waitting for Mr. ______ to have me in court on a motion that was supposed to be filed back on May 18, 2004, I didn't ask for a continuous, so why am I not in court, if Mr. _______ is making moves it's without my consent and will not come talk to me and the last time when he did he tried using trickery.

Spelling, punctuation, and charm as written.

Here's two...
One on a PC affidavit for DWI (not sure if the error is the cop's or the defendant's)
"Admissions by accused: I don't want to intimidate myself."

The other, from a separate offense report:
One Leg Stand- could not complete the test. James stated the he could not perform the test because he had dyslexia.

So it's not an offense report, but I was reviewing a victim's school records recently and came upon this entry made by his teacher in his 3rd grade assessment summary sheet: "Spelling is very week."

Defense attorney following acquittal of his client because of "typo" in the "information." Defense attorney waived reading of information so error was not caught until charging...

"[in] common parliament, I have sleazed the state, your honor, but I have done my job for my client..."

From a police report on evading with a vehicle:

"Suspect was driving in an unsafe manor."

I couldn't help it. I just had to bring this back. An officer was pursuing his DWI suspect with his lights activated, however, the supect continued driving. So, my officer activates his "serene" to attempt to get him to stop.

And you guys are joking. This is very flustrating.

Earlier this week, I received a pro se motion that included reference to a swarm affidavit. I wonder how many are coming my way.

I just got a "swarm" affidavit yesterday, too! The swarm has traveled northward!

I once read a brief in which one attorney referred to the others rather unorganized ramblings as "scatological." Given the quality of the Appellant's brief, I wasn't sure until I asked whether the lawyer really meant to use that word or not.

Maybe he drinks sherry as well....

I think that's just a Brazoria Co thing, Stacy. Probably related to all the chemical plants in that area...

1. Witness on stand doing a strong lean down to the microphone as she asserted, "I'd like to plead the fifth commandment."

2. Inmate asking before going into custody to be extradited, "Could you like help us get one of them marriage by epoxy deals?" (SWEAR IT IS TRUE)

3.. "Bond reducements"

4. "i'd like to plea no content" (becomes highly agitated) "YOUR HONOR, I SAID NO CONTENT!"

5. "motions to oppress"

6. "safety P"

7. "discoverage motions"

that's about all I can recall. Enjoy. I know I have gotten years of chuckles from this stuff.

[This message was edited by lonestarlawyer on 05-06-05 at .]

Our court coordinator calls me the "persecutor" in front of the entire court room audience at docket call. The defense attorneys get a big kick out of it.

Two very essential rebuttal witnesses (mother and son) in a capital case (thank goodness they were credible!)

(not actual reporter's record)

State: Where were you when this conversation took place?

Mom: Out in the front yard.

State: And your son?

Mom: In the sky!

State: Pardon?

Judge: Your s-o-n, not s-u-n.

Later, same day...

Defense: You are schizophrenic?

Son: Yes.

Defense: How are you doing today?

Son: Oh, I'm ok today. I do alright as long as I'm on my pills. If I don't, then I fall off my nut.

I read a report today by an officer who charged the defendant with possession of Met Amphetamine.

We once had a defense lawyer complaint letter sent to a judge in which the female defendant started that he was "not representing my best entrance". The defense lawyer told the judge that might well be true.