One local attorney once called me a "scum sucking pig" and another refers to me as a "chipmunk".

I just don't get the correlation to the animal kingdom?

Had a mother of a child sexual assault defendant who professed to speak no English. In the middle of my closing argument where I was disparaging her baby badly, she jumped up and screamed "La Diabla" at me and stormed out of the courtroom. Evidently she knew enough English to know how badly I was disparaging her baby, and I knew just enough Spanish to know I was the devil!

I had another defendant refer to me as being "extremely ultracrepidarian" (among other things) in a pro se writ. I admit, I had to look that one up. Props to Roget's Thesaurus, I'm guessing....

After a jury verdict in a sex assault I was listning to jail vistitation (prior to sentencing) between a Defendant that raped his neice on her birthday and the mother who was also the mother of another son who had raped the same neice a few years earlier called me "The Most Odious Disgusting Person She Ever Met." Now that is high praise from a woman that raised two incestous rapists.

[This message was edited by L.D. Bloomquist on 11-07-08 at .]

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Originally posted by Stacey L. Brownlee:
A defense attorney (now Judge so thank goodness I don't work in that county anymore) called me the wicked b**** of the west.

And then one of my juvi respondents on the stand in a contested dispo hearing to send him to TYC called me a "garden tool" and when asked by his defense counsel what that meant he replied sweetly "you know, a ho". Greg G later sent him to the pen for a murder he committed less than 90 days out of TYC.

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I had forgotten all about the garden tool remark. Hey, he only has 20 years to go before his first parole eligibility. I have not checked on his track record, Stacey, for the past ten years of his incarceration, but I suspect he won't be making his first eligibility.

What is ultracrepidarian?

ultra=excessively; beyond the usual limit

crepe=a thin pancake, rolled and filled

idarian=daredevil as in "I dare you'


I think it means a really slender daredevil!

Pretty close! It's pretty much just out of your depth, involved in things beyond your knowledge level. Good word of the day to work into conversation.

I once had a defense attorney tell me after a sentencing of his client that if he ever needed a heart transplant, he hoped he got mine because it was obvious mine had never been used!!!!

I've never been the subject of any kind of pithy insult from a defendant, but this reminded me of a poem I wrote many years ago to a defense attorney.

Backstory: Back in the 1990s, there was an appellate prosecutor in Harris County, Kim Stelter, who liked to write her extensions during the Christmas season in poetry. In 1992, the 14th Court of Appeals responded in kind. See Sears v. State, 820 S.W.2d 262.

To my recollection, a legal commentator reviewing the court's opinions for that week made an unkind statement about the poetry. Naturally, we in the Appellate Division were incensed about this commentary.

I wrote the following poem and sent it off to the commentator:

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
I think that I shall also never see
As big a pusillanimous dirtbag as you either.

Pusillanimous= timid, cowardly.

Thanks guys. I can't remember when was the last time I had to look up TWO words in one day. I must be ultracrepidarian too.

How's that Andrea?

Oh, you've definitely progressed to just minorly crepidarian by now.

Gosh, I can't recall a single insult from crooks or defense attys. In fact, in Ft. Bend County the defense bar often referred to me as "Mr. Reasonable."

Defendants and their families don't have very creative vocabularies. It's usually "The Blonde B****," and once, after sending her son to prison for life, a little old lady referred to me on a taped phone call as "stupid B****" while she giggled about it.

thanks Jana! I'd much rather be thought of as a slender daredevil than one who speaks about which she knows nothing...

No, Jane, I think that is the standard insult for the female variety of prosecutors.

I had a father who was not liking the strict restrictions his juvenile sex offender son was on and the juvenile probation department threatened him that if he attempted to get his son a driving permit to drive himself to school, that I had promised the first day he showed up without an adult escort he would be shipped out immediately. The probation department thought it was really funny to tell me that actually calmed him down and he said something along the lines of "not wanting to see that Prosecutor B**** ever again." I of course took it as a compliment!!

I was told I dressed and looked like a member of "another profession". I believe she was alluding to the oldest profession.

A habitual DWI offender received 50 years from a jury, but after my trial partner and I requested that sentence be stacked on top of a prior habitual DWI sentence of 25 years, the judge promptly granted our request making it a total of 75 years. The defendant, unhappy with our request, turned to me and said, "You is a couple of bastards." Defense counsel later told me that the defendant had referred to us as Heckle and Jeckle throughout the trial. We are not sure who was Jeckle ...

Because we all know that Wikipedia only has true stuff on it, maybe this'll help you figure out who was who, Cory. It boils down to whether you have a British accent or a Brooklyn accent.

Heckle & Jeckle

On the day of his execution, one of my (now deceased) death row inmates wrote me a quite colorful letter. It started with "Hey d--- sucker..." I got the letter a couple of days after his execution. I didn't write back. However, defense attorneys are generally a bit nicer. I was trying a two-time loser for burglary (I think) a few years back. He was represented by a big time Houston lawyer who just couldn't believe that I actually tried cases myself. During his closing argument, he made a big deal out of the fact that the State "brought out the Big Dawg" to try the case. The jury was so amused that they gave his client a life sentence. Oh by the way, "Big Dawg" stuck. But in public, I still prefer to be referred to as "Mike."

During an aggravated robbery trial I was sure I would lose, I accused a defendant's mother (who was madly perjuring herself) of perpertrating a fraud on the Court. The defendant became incensed, jumped up and shouted:

"You the one perpertratin' the fraud, you bitch!...

You Ho!....

You bitch ho!...

You mother f**ckin' bitch ho!....

You mother f**ckin bitch ho Jew!"

Whereupon, the kindly judge leaned over the bench and told the defendant that the judge didn't think that the defendant was helping himself.

The judge was right. The defendant was convicted and got 50 years.

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Originally posted by ML:
On the day of his execution, one of my (now deceased) death row inmates wrote me a quite colorful letter. It started with "Hey d--- sucker..." I got the letter a couple of days after his execution. I didn't write back.

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I guess he wasn't looking for redemption or salvation, Big Dawg.

There has got to be a tdcaa band song or intro in that Big Dawg story somewhere?