August 18, 2005, 12:44Stuart Neal
New DWI Defense
Our office just tried a DWI case with an intersting defense. Defendant claimed that he had not had anything to drink. Yet he had odor of alcohol on his breath. He explained the odor by testifying that his wife had been drinking and he had "passionately" kissed her.
His lawyer actually argued this "kissing defense" in closing. It didn't work.
August 18, 2005, 13:03jws
Calling A.P. Merillat! This post sounds just right for a response from him.
Must have been one heck of a kiss.
I agree with Jane, Hey A.P., in Hogwaller, what do they call this kind of kiss?
August 18, 2005, 13:45A.P. Merillat
I think it's along the lines of swappin slobber.
August 18, 2005, 15:12A.P. Merillat
From the Travis County Tattle Tale
(UPI) Sparks fly at local patrolman's house
Sheriff's deputies were called to the home of reserve Deputy Constable Earl Wayne (Bubba) Lobslotter late last night after neighbors reported what sounded like a gang fight or possible terrorist attack in the residence. It seems that Bubba came home from day five of intoxylizer school over at the DPS academy, arriving around 3 a.m. Mrs. Lobslotter, who had fallen asleep in the recliner while waiting for Earl Wayne, was awakened by the creaking of the screen door and she immediately confronted the hapless reserve deputy constable. He assured his wife that he had certainly been in training, and that on Day Five as they call it in the business, he was required to drink himself into an 8 or better on the instrument (also a business term, according to DPS sources). Mrs. Lobslotter knew that it does actually take several hours for Earl to reach 8 or better, especially in light of his high tolerance level, a direct result of 13 years working as a brakeman on the Missouri Pacific (that lawsuit is still pending at press time) and she almost fell for it. But, when Earl Wayne went to the refrigerator to see if the leftovers were still left over, the light in the appliance illuminated some bright red smudges on his collar, neck, Adam's Apple and the third button of his new Oxford.
Mrs. Lobslotter, as she mixed Earl's Metamucil, caught a glimpse of the smudges and immediately went into action. Screaming profanities along with some ugly words, and shouting about recognizing the Estee Lauder lipstick shades, Mrs. Lobslotter slammed the refrigerator door on Earl's arm, then blocked the door shut with a couple of cases of Pearl Light. With her husband pinned in the ice box, the enraged woman grabbed a can of wasp spray and emptied the contents into Earl's face. As she swung a wide overhand arc with her brand new steak knife, preparing to do some out patient surgery on the fellow, Bubba was able to gasp out his defense. He shouted, quickly before the blade made it home, that part of Day Five now included reaching 8 by kissing classmates, that he could even provide a permission letter from Dr. Booker, authorizing Bubba to make out with another trainee who had belted back a few tequilas.
The police arrived just before Earl Wayne was carved into steer-hood. The officers calmed the missus down, let her breathe into a paper sack for a few minutes, then allowed Earl to show his wife the permission letter. That seemed to settle things down, and Mrs. Lobslotter, after reading the permission letter, apologized to her husband and admitted that as long is it was in the name of law enforcement and for a good cause, that she was willing to make some sacrifices. That made Earl's day it seems, as he was heard happily telling his bride that next week he was going to the Advanced School.
[This message was edited by A.P. Merillat on 08-18-05 at .]
A.P., you are a true artiste.
Here's some more inspiration for A.P. In fact, this one needs to make it into a set of song lyrics if you ask me. We once had a probationer in court who had tested positive on a UA. His explanation for the marihuana in his system: He had been having SEX with a weed smoker!!!
August 19, 2005, 11:13Dennis Jones
Had a case in Angelina County a few years ago that went something like this ----
I blew over .10 (legal limit at the time) because I always soak my new cans of Skoal in whiskey, and I had just taken my first dip from a new can a few minutes before being pulled over by the DPS trooper..... Thank god the jury didn't buy it and found the guy guilty. My closing argument blasted the defense as an attack on any normal person's intelligence.
August 20, 2005, 21:46BLeonard
Though it makes you tense,
A defense is just a defense,
A trial can bring a smile.
But it's really hard to top
The defense of spittle swap.
September 26, 2012, 11:25Gretchen
Reviving the thread with a new defense: I wasn't drunk. My pet squirrel was nibbling me. CNN video (complete with pet squirrel)