Does this mean we should rethink the spelling of the term "oenophile"? Perhaps we're thinking too myopically. This could open an entirely new bar scene. One can easily envision the progression from sherry to a vodka colonic.

You know if this catches on, would we need a fartalyzer?

Nobody has said it yet, but somehow I know in my heart that this offense could not have happened in Longview.

Right, Stacy?

We made the Journal! Or, at least the Sherry enema did.

http://www.opinionjournal.com/best/?id=110006258

I e-mailed this thread to a friend and he wrote back saying it gave new meaning to the old expression: Drunk Out the Wazoo!

I never liked Sherry, the taste that is. But isn't this taking that a little far.

Most humurous thread ever. I can not stop laughing! A.P., I love reading your snippets. And Jane, your stock is rising quickly.

Beck, the "fartalyzer" could be easily configured from the current machines, uh, I mean instruments. Just use a different a**piece every time. Even better, now we would see PFT's instead of PBT's on the roadside video. Nice. Could probably recoup prosecution costs by renting the videos at the local adult video venue.

Widow denies role in alcohol enema
She says her husband gave himself the lethal dose of sherry
By RICHARD STEWART
Copyright 2005 Houston Chronicle

RESOURCES
COURT DATE
� This summer: The case is set to go to trial in July in Angleton.
GALVESTON - A Lake Jackson widow denied Wednesday that she provided the alcohol that led to her husband's death from a sherry enema.

Tammy Jean Warner said her husband, Michael Warner, 58, not only had a longtime alcohol problem but had been addicted to enemas since he was a child.


Courtesy of Warner Family
Tammy Warner says her husband used this equipment for enemas. An autopsy report said his blood-alcohol level was 0.47 percent, almost six times the legal intoxication limit for operating a motor vehicle.
He gave himself the enema that led to his death May 21, she said.

"There's no way I could have gave my husband that enema, no way," Warner said during an interview at her attorney's office.

A Brazoria County grand jury indicted her on a charge of negligent homicide. Prosecutors claim she provided alcohol for Warner even though she knew he'd been warned that alcohol could kill him.

She is free on $30,000 bond.

An autopsy report said his blood-alcohol level was 0.47 percent, almost six times the legal intoxication limit for operating a motor vehicle.

"It all started back when he was a child," Warner said. "His mother used to give him enemas all the time, and he started to depend on them all the time."

She said he paid $1,000 to study colonics at a school and corresponded with other enema users on the Internet. Not all of his enemas involved liquor, she said.

"He did coffee enemas, he did Castile soap, Ivory soap," she said. "He had enema recipes."

She said he liked to use wine or sherry in enemas because that would allow his body to absorb alcohol faster than drinking it. Sherry and wine were easier on his digestive system than other forms of alcohol, she said.

"He would drink, too, but his favorite was enemas," she said.

Investigators said medical problems kept him from ingesting alcohol by drinking it, but his widow said he would drink as well.

"My husband could drink very well with any problem he had," she said.

He wouldn't drink every day, but when he did drink, he found it difficult to stop, she said.

"We had a lot of good days that we shared in our garden and our yard," she said. "When he went to drinking, a lot of times I would, too. I would take care of him the best I could. I'd make sure he'd eat."

The couple met about three years ago at a bar where she worked as a bartender and waitress, Warner said. They lived together for about a year before marrying in October 2002.

She said while they lived together she had a large tumor removed from her abdomen.

"Every day I was in the hospital, he asked me to marry him," she said.

She said he cooked most of the meals and weighed her food to make sure she followed a strict diet because she is diabetic.

"My husband told me he loved me more than anything in the world except for God," she said. "I'm not ashamed of my husband because I loved him, and I supported him 1,000 percent, whatever he wanted to do. That's the way he went out, and I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out because he loved his enemas."

Warner said that when she woke up the morning of May 21, she had no idea her husband, who had his arm around her in bed, was dead.

He had a long history of being very difficult to rouse from sleep, she said. After repeated tries didn't wake him up, she called 911.

Emergency technicians told her that he was dead.

Warner said she believes her husband's adult children are the cause of the charges against her. She is also charged with destroying his will.

"There was no will," she said. She said they talked often of having wills made but never did.

"If he had died through consuming too much alcohol through a wine glass, we wouldn't be here," said Warner's attorney, Jyll Rekoff.

Warner said she did get money from her husband's life-insurance policy but refused to say how much.

Her husband's daughter, Serena Riemann, the executor of his estate, said in court documents that her stepmother got almost $250,000 in insurance.

The estate is valued at more than $317,000, according to court documents.

Riemann declined to talk to the Houston Chronicle.

Rekoff said Warner will plead not guilty. The case is scheduled to go to trial in July in Angleton.

If convicted, Warner faces up to two years in prison and a $10,000 fine on each of the two charges.

-------------------------------------------------

FAVORITE QUOTE POLL

PLEASE VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE OR PARAPHRASE FROM THIS ARTICLE

#1 "That's the way he went out, and I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out because he loved his enemas."

#2 Warner said that when she woke up the morning of May 21, she had no idea her husband, who had his arm around her in bed, was dead.

#3 She said he paid $1,000 to study colonics at a school and corresponded with other enema users on the Internet. Not all of his enemas involved liquor, she said.

#4 "He did coffee enemas, he did Castile soap, Ivory soap," she said. "He had enema recipes."

#5 The couple met about three years ago at a bar where she worked as a bartender and waitress,

So now we have two schools identified where "how to get drunk from enemas" is part of the curriculum.

I wonder if these practitioners have drinking buddies?

Okay Jane and AP, it's your turn.

Hi, my name's Boliver, and I'm an enema-holic. It's been four days since my last enema, but my brother, Guliver and I have a date with the Shagnasty twins over in Hogwaller County this Friday, so I'll probably have an Old Spice enema after my shower -- the twins are partial to Old Spice. But prospects for my dating life are improving, I just heard about a judge who found a way to clear his mind and make good decisions, and I have most of the pieces for that pump already. So, I'm thinking about combining an antifreeze enema with the new courthouse pump gadget, then going online with PerfectMatch.com and seeing if I can change my luck; I just believe that my mind will finally be clear and sharp and there won't be any leftover ice in my southern orifices. I'm sure I'll be able to find a nice girl who wants to enjoy some meaningful after-dinner conversation.

Maybe the next TDCAA publication will be on this subject. Perhaps we could use the income if we ever lose some grant funds. Would you like some cinnamon with that?

Where in the world does one get a book of enema recipes?

"It's a Bloody Mary Morning" by Willie, "Bring me another Tequila, Sheila" and "I don't think Hank done it thisaway" are the ones that immediately come to mind.

Bless the heart of the deceased, I guess he sorta died with his boots on...

Wonder where they hold the Enema-holics Anonymous meetings? In the back of a Walgreens store?

Greg, don't forget "Whiskey River, take my mind; don't let her enema torture me..." Did I get that right? Hold on a second....

"Honey, the boss and his wife are coming over for dinner and drinks tonight, better break out the good funnels"

Wouldn't the obvious choice for ambiance be "Friends in Low Places"? Better yet, we could change musical genres and opt for a few selections from Led Zeppelin's "In Through the Out Door."

Then of course there was the rap group with the anti-police songs in the early 90's, wasn't their name "Public Enema"?

Scott, I shoulda thought of the LZ tune.

If an "enematic" used the good tequila(or mescale), what happens to the worm???????????

Tuesday, 8:30pm
The stockroom of the Western Auto

Boliver: Hi, my name's Boliver, and I'm an enema-holic.
The crowd: Hi, Boliver!
Boliver: It's been 33 minutes since my last enema, so you'll understand if I have to dart out the side door.
The crowd: Oooohhh.
Boliver: Well, my brother, Gulliver and I took the Shagnasty twins out the other night. Ever since they decriminalized noodling, it's easier to pick up girls. No more lurking around the river in the shadows, dodging the game warden.
The crowd: Aaaahhh.
Boliver: It only took a few tries, and we noodled up the twins, Sherry and Emma -- I like to call her "enema" it's a pet name. Gulliver came up with an alligator gar, but he put it back, and finally got hold of Sherry.
The crowd: Good!
Boliver: We carried the girls over to the Bass Pro Shop and watched fishing videos. The jigging-for-crappie shows always put Emma in the mood. The Bass Pro Shop makes for a real good date -- it also helps to be near the aquarium, for when the girls start getting cranky. We were having a nice time when the drummer from the VFW house band came over and started making eyes at Emma.
The crowd: No!
Boliver: Yes, but luckily there was an underpaid D.A.'s investigator working an extra job there, and he had just learned about the new "Sagging Britches" law. That drummer's drawers were clear down to mid-cheek. The cop shouted, "Freeze! This is the crack-down on crack! Up against the wall and spread 'em, no, goofy, your hands, spread your hands!"
The crowd: Whheeewww!
Boliver: It was quite a night. On a lighter note, though, my doctor said these sores in my mouth would go away if I'd stop chewing tobacco. So, Gulliver came up with the idea that he could save his spit-can for me, and when he gets about a quart or so, he can give me an --
The crowd: Shouts and high-fives drown out Boliver's dissertation.
Boliver: Well, that's it for the time being folks, by the way, if any of you are chewing Red Man, I'll pass this thermos around; ya'll just fill 'er up, and thanks.

IR No. 05-5150

Officer Assigned: Goodperson

NARRATIVE: At 2105 hrs. on 02/11/05, I was dispatched to the Western Auto in regard to citizen complaints of unreasonable enema and posterior crack references. Upon arrival, I did advise the gathering of questionable-looking subjects that complaints had been received, and asked if anyone present could cowoborate them. One subject did offer to execute a swarm act of David, but I thought it unnecessary. While other officers secured the interior of the Western Auto, I made contact with a female subject named Shagnasty, Emma (Y/C, d/o/b: unknown � contact Texas Parks & Wildlife Dept. Fisheries Mgmt. Div. for details). Ms. Shagnasty did advise this officer that she and an individual named �Boliver,� whom she had been dating, had planned to have dinner at the local Bass Pro Shop, then have a few drinks at a tavern known as the �Bottoms Up� club. Ms. Shagnasty further advised that they had stopped at the Western Auto for some kind of meeting about enigmas, or some similar topic, when she became alarmed at loud and repeated discussions of sagging britches and questions about entrances and exits. She had made her way outside, and was gasping in the parking lot when this officer arrived. I checked Ms. Shagnasty for warrants, and for tags, then drove her back to Hogwaller County and released her at the tailrace of the dam. Declare this case EXCEPTIONALLY CLEARED.