Brilliant.


Zoo, Prison Merge

SAN DIEGO - Plagued by a lack of funding and growing staff shortages, the San Diego Zoo and Ironwood State Prison were combined earlier this week, bringing local inmates and wildlife together for the first time under the same roof.

The new state-of-the-art facility -- which will house 12 separate cell blocks, a reptile house, two weight rooms, and a primate sanctuary -- is expected to save the state of California up to $5 million in operation costs over the next year.

"It is with great pride that I announce the opening of the San Diego Maximum Security Zoological & Convict Reserve," director David Hennessey said at an opening ceremony Tuesday. "From southern white rhinos to repeat offenders serving 20 years for drug trafficking -- you'll find them all here at our amazing new facility."

For the full (fake) article, visit The Onion

Are the prisoners in the Reptile House?

More importantly, as budgetary concerns are, will there be a targeted early release program for the hyenas? After all, they're laughing, so they must be rehabilitated. And we need them out in society spreading mirth rather than keeping them locked up on the state's dime, which could much more efficiently be spent on diversionary programs for spectacled bears and aardvarks.

To: Warden, San Diego MSZ & CR
From: Boliver, Trusty Camp

Re: Complaint

Dear Warden, thanks for letting Mom's cheese grits brownies pass through the mail system over here to the trusty camp. I'll have her send you a picture of her and my twin half-brother taken at the corn dog stand at the Charlotte Raceway for your trouble. I have a complaint against my cellie though, he stays up all night coughing up hair balls and sniffing the floor around the toilet. Do you think you could get him transferred and replace him with say, a sheep or a koala?