I think that AP is ghost writing for John Kelso:

COMMENTARY: JOHN KELSO

Dumbest Legislature yet? At least it's providing plenty of funny material

Sunday, May 08, 2005
I'm thinking this might be the stupidest Legislature the state of Texas has ever enjoyed.

I really can't recall a session in which more inanities were discussed and less important business has been accomplished. We're a couple elephants short of a circus, but we've got more than our quota of clowns.

Take Thursday, when the House tackled the critical issues of cheeseburgers and topless dancers on the same day. Now there's an intellectual doubleheader.

For about half an hour, the House debated whether or not alcohol should be served in what are euphemistically called gentlemen's clubs and passed a bill that would make it illegal for a fat boy to sue a McDonald's for serving him a Big Mac.

Has it suddenly become a prerequisite to be an idiot to get elected to the House? Or are these people simply trying to create more silly material for me and Jon Stewart? Not that we're not appreciative.

The argument I liked was the one presented by Houston Rep. Joe Nixon, a Republican who wants to close the topless bars by cutting off their booze sales. Nixon, whose amendment was defeated, complains that he has to drive past six topless bars to get to his church in Houston. So what? The key words here are "drive past." See, Rep. Nixon doesn't have to stop at any of these topless bars, so what's his beef?

Besides, in my neighborhood, I have to drive past three churches to get to the closest bottomless club. And one of the churches I have to pass is Capitol City Baptist Church, the one I refer to as Our Lady of Assault and Battery. That's the church where one of the pastors and his twin brother got busted for giving a boy a whuppin'.

But I don't have to stop there either, so I don't complain about it.

Nixon's other objection is that Houston has so many topless clubs that it is becoming known as the "topless capital of America." Sounds like a bumper sticker to me. And again, so what? It used to be worse. Houston used to be known for Enron. Aren't topless clubs a step up from wiping out your employees' life savings?

It's not that I like topless clubs. I'm with Nixon on that one. What good are they? You can never get those women to go home with you unless you're a biker. But doesn't the Legislature have more important business to attend to than trying to save us from ourselves?

The whole thing stresses me out to the point where I want to go out and get a patty melt with a side order of rings and a Big Gulp. But I guess I won't bother because the way things are going, my attorney won't be able to get my money back by suing to recover my investment on larger slacks.

Then there was the House approving a bill that would have put an end to raunchy cheerleading. When I heard that Rep. Al Edwards, a Houston Democrat, had come up with this bill, I thought nobody in his right mind would be silly enough to waste time discussing it.

Wrong.

What's next ? A two-hour debate on a bill that would make it illegal for a fat topless dancer to sue Burger King for a Whopper because she can't touch her toes? Is it any wonder Texas has become a national punch line?

No John, I don't ghost-write for that other fellow. I'm much too vain to do something like write mediocre to almost-funny material for somebody else to be famous for and not get credit for it. In fact, I never even heard of John Kelso before folks started quoting him here. It's curious to me though that he would slam the group that provides him with such predictable humor. I would prefer to go after slippier moving targets like defense lawyers and catfish -- the thrill of the chase, you understand -- rather than throwing tomatoes at a bunch of legislators who can't defend themselves.
By the way, what's he mean Texas is a punch line? Has he missed the Florida jokes, the California and D.C. one-liners? No, Texas is not a punch line,but considering our sports history of late, we might be a punching BAG, but certainly not a punch line.

quote:

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"... Houston used to be known for Enron. Aren't topless clubs a step up from wiping out your employees' life savings?

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Hate to tell it, but there was a time whene one of these establishments wiped out both mine and a friend's life savings. We were about 21 and that amounted to about $230.00 b/t the two of us, but...(who knew the drinks cost so much).

"... of cheeseburgers and topless dancers ..."

Whataburger's new value menu?