Every time I convince myself some faint hope remains...an article like this one reminds me of the aggressive stupidity that governs the lives of a substantial minority of our fellow citizens. Throw in the reporter who breathlessly, with every evidence he wishes to be taken seriously, asks if the vice-president has "tendered his resignation," and the parlay is complete. Oy vez mir!

Some enterprising reporter got to digging and found that Cheney is the first Vice President since Aaron Burr to shoot someone. Fodder for another investigation!

From an email I received from a local politico:

I'd rather go hunting with Dick than riding with Ted Kennedy.

We can sit and 'call it as we like' all day. However, no one has all the facts yet (except the witnesses present). The truth is, this case should be run by the Grand Jury. The Vice President should be held to bear for a 'shooting incident', and the people of Nueces County (ie: the Grand Jury) should be the ones to hear the facts and decide. Then, we can all move on to newsworthy events of the day, such as Lunch or water cooler talk.

Not every hunting accident needs to go before the Grand Jury. If joking around is jumping the gun, then certainly declaring that it needs to go before the Grand Jury before the officers even finish any kind of investigation is also jumping the gun.

Or, maybe even going off half cocked.....

The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department issued a statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the weekend. A TPWD spokesman noted that, in Texas, lawyers are not considered game
creatures, and are thus not subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It was further noted that lawyer hunting was encouraged as the state is overrun with the pesky creatures. A local food critic said that, contrary to rumor, lawyers do not taste like chicken, but rather like bovine dung which is a major component of
their composition.

Now, shooting just one lawyer with a shotgun, I call that poor marksmanship. With a rifle I expect to hit lawyers one at a time, but with a shotgun I expect at least a double.

Administration Presses Novel Effort for Tort Reform

Cheney leads effort to attack lawyers

Kingsville, Texas (AP) -- Impatient with stalled efforts to close the courts to litigants, the Bush Administration literally fired the first shot in its groundbreaking "No Lawyer Left Standing" initiative. Vice-President Cheney, hunting on a private lawyer ranch near Kingsville, Texas, bagged an impressive buck (Harry Whittington, UT Law '50). Under the new program, hunters may take one white shoe in-house lawyer or three outside lawyers daily. There is no limit for trial lawyers. "We've just got to thin the herd," said the Vice-President. "We've tried tort reform and caps on damages, but people are still suing." Cheney added, "It's easy and fun. In Texas, you can shoot in almost any direction and hit a lawyer.

Glad to see that Al went to Saudi last week and, after commanding a large fee for his words of wisdom, bad-mouthed the United States. Thanks, Al -- kind of odd, you were saying how the U.S. has turned its back on the Saudis, when a couple of days later, we learned that the White House has brokered a deal for the U.A.E. to take over U.S. port security. Have we turned our backs on them or not?

But, that's not why I'm here, I just threw that in for free. Kind of like: Gored by a bull, bulled by an A.P. -- just not the same ring.

I'm here to confess (again) -- You know, I might have to start a new doctrine within the Southern Baptist Convention: Confessions on the Website. Makes me feel much better, and gives me some sense of group forgiveness, although nobody's ever told me they forgave me for those wrongs I've confessed here previously. Anyway, I'm here to tell you prosecutors of wrong-doers that in 1984, on a fishing trip to Horseshoe Lake with my then brother in law, Ernie, I committed aggravated assault. Yes, it's true. Ernie and I were standing on a small point of land that juts out into the lake, like a pier, sort of. At the right time of day & year, if you cast a lure out from that point, you can usually wake up a nice-sized bass and hopefully bring it in, hold it up for staged photos to make it look bigger, kiss it on the lips, then either throw it back or put it on a stringer to die for want of exercise and gill-action.

Well, wanting to get to the bass hole before Ernie was able to throw his line out there, I reared my Ugly Stick (not the one I was beaten with as a child) back, pushed the reel release and whipped the rod forward with every ounce of energy I could muster. Instead of casting way out yonder-ways, the end of my fishing pole stopped at just in front of where I was standing. The lure and its 12-pound test line didn't come forward with the whip of the rod tip. In some consternation, I grabbed the handle with both hands and pulled forward as hard as I could, trying to make that lure fly out to the waiting fish. It didn't give, so I jerked again. Nothing.

Ernie, standing behind and to the right of me, the angler, said remarkably calmly, "You got me." I jerked again, trying to get that lure out in the water, ignoring Ernie who I figured was trying to distract me. He got a little louder and even let an expletive go, so I turned around slightly, and saw my fishing line draped back to him and behind his head. Ernie shook his head back and forth, and I heard the distinctive sound of my Arbogast Rattle-Trap, rattling with every head-shake. Uh-oh.

Ernie turned and I saw the Rattle-Trap imbedded into his red Purina Feeds gimme cap, and when I walked a little closer, I saw that both treble hooks, with a total of six barbed weapons of bass destruction, were stabbing through the cap and into the wavy salt and pepper hair and ultimately into the tender flesh of the scalp of my in-law.

To make this short story longer, we ended up cutting the line and taking Ernie to the Huntsville Memorial E.R. where the weekend on-call doc cut a patch of hat, a patch of hair and dug out the treble hooks from Ernie's skull. He walked away with six stitches and a hole in his hat. I got my lure back, intact.

So you see, friends, there is inherent danger in every outdoors sporting-type event. Nobody is safe. The main thing is, I negligently assaulted not a lawyer, no, much worse than that. Ernie is not a lawyer, he makes a lot more money than that; he's a Master plumber, folks, and I tried to take his head off with a three dollar fishing lure. It's only since the Statute has expired and the recent revelation of our vice president's crime that I feel comfortable confessing. So thank you one and all.
Forgive me.

A.P. -- An assault is aggravated if 1) there's serious bodily injury; 2) a deadly weapon is used; or 3) it is committed in Williamson County.

How did yours qualify?

At Horseshoe Lake, an assault is aggravated if the actor injures another by word or deed, and uses (a) anything which causes damage to a fishing hat or causes sutures to be sewn into a scalp, and/or (b) an instrument that is manifestly designed, made or adapted, or in the manner of its use or intended use causes pain, aggravation or hard feelings to a plumber or (c) is capable of causing death or serious bodily injury to a fish.

A.P., I'm guessing that McGlohon has never been snagged by a couple of treble hooks with a buddy on the other end of the line trying to "set the hook." If he did, he realize that easily qualifies as "serious bodily injury." In fact, you wish you were dead!

I'm with you Lee. I can still vividly recall the pain when I grabbed from a canoe a topwater hung in a tree (what was I thinking?). The canoe moved and the treble hooks were driven deeply into at least two fingers before the branch or line gave way! There may be other forms of exquisite pain but that ranks high on my list.

perhaps the fish could sue alleging cruel and unusual punishment because their deaths were too painful.

... or we could have licensed fish anesthesiologists standing by to ensure that the hooking is painless ...

. . . But what do we do if the anesthesiologist refuses to perform because of ethical concerns?

Noodle them.