From the Borowitz Report
Winner of the First-ever National Press Club Award for Humor

May 3, 2006

Breaking News

SATAN'S TESTIMONY ROCKS ENRON TRIAL

Lord of Darkness Becomes Surprise Witness For Prosecution

The trial of former Enron CEO Ken Lay took a stunning turn today as the prosecution introduced Satan as a surprise witness, attempting to establish a long-running business relationship between Mr. Lay and the Lord of Darkness.

Striding to the witness stand in his traditional red horns and cape and carrying what appeared to be a smoldering pitchfork, the King of the Underworld cut a striking figure in a trial that has been dominated by accountants, business executives, and other equally colorless personalities.

Putting his right hand on the Bible, Satan swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but winced slightly as he said the words "so help me God."

Taking the stand, Satan responded to the prosecution's questions about an alleged ten-year business relationship with Mr. Lay, with the Lord of Misrule offering phone logs documenting conversations with the former Enron chief as well as a receipt for Mr. Lay's soul.

"I clearly remember the day I bought Ken's soul," Satan said. "I was shocked to find out it was still available."

Harland Sturgis, a longtime observer of the legal scene in Houston, said that Satan's testimony carries extra weight because "he is a well-known figure in Houston business circles."

Mr. Sturgis said that the Lord of Darkness' testimony may have ramifications well beyond the Enron case: "If Satan's testimony brings down Ken Lay, don't be surprised if the prosecution calls him as a witness at Tom DeLay's trial."

...

Elsewhere, magician David Blaine said that for his next trick he would attempt to last seven days as White House press spokesman.

I had to post that blurb for this line alone:

"Harland Sturgis, a longtime observer of the legal scene in Houston, said that Satan's testimony carries extra weight because 'he is a well-known figure in Houston business circles.'"