(Now this is just plain funny. And too true.)

The link
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Stupid criminal tricks

Summit County Grand Juror No. 6 tells PDQ readers what he learned during his summer break'

Sunday, August 27, 2006
John Campanelli
Cleveland Plain Dealer Reporter


This summer I got 20 bucks a day to sit and watch law and order.

About a thousand episodes.

I was juror No. 6 on the Summit County grand jury.

The grand jury doesn't decide "guilty" or "not guilty." Our job was to decide whether formal charges -- and which ones -- should be filed. We heard lots of cases, averaging more than a hundred a week, during our two-month term.

We indicted bad guys for crimes ranging from murder all the way down to theft of scrap metal.

And we could have charged almost all of them with a count that doesn't appear in the Ohio Criminal Code -- aggravated stupidity.

The criminals we encountered were not the brilliant, cunning masterminds you see on television. They were the kind of dimwits who think a late-model car for a bag of drugs is an even trade (that happens a lot).

But just because they aren't the brightest folks doesn't mean they didn't teach me a thing or two this summer. In fact, I learned a whole patrol wagon full of important lessons.

Without breaking my oath and revealing specifics, here are some of the most memorable -- all from actual cases we heard:

If you are going to write "This is a hold-up, please empty your drawer" on a deposit slip and give it to a teller, do not keep the carbon copy in your pocket.

Jumping three stories off a parking deck to avoid police is bad for the bones in your legs.

Slow service or not, it's not a good idea to fall asleep behind the wheel in a fast-food drive-through line, especially when you have crack in your pocket.

If you're trying to cash a forged check and get scared while at the bank window, make sure you grab your Ohio ID before you run away.

If you escape from the cops while one hand is in handcuffs, you will get charged with theft of those cuffs.

If you throw your bag of drugs out the window while being chased by the police, you can expect to get charged with littering, too.

When police find bullets in your pocket, think of something better to say than "My friends put them there."

If your girlfriend kicks you in the groin, it's not permissible to start choking her. Even if she kicks hard.

If you're going to steal copper pipe from a business, try to make sure the place is closed and the secretary isn't looking out the window at you.

If you're going to go to a department store to shoplift, don't wear the clothes you stole from the place the week before.

If you're going to run away from police, make sure you're wearing some other footwear than slippers.

Dangling a baggie of drugs from your manhood doesn't mean the cops won't find it.

If you're going to break through a wall to get into a medical building to steal drugs, try not to leave your wallet on the floor.

If you're taking your sick PC into Best Buy for service, make sure to remove all the kiddie porn from the hard drive beforehand.

If you want to get rid of a glass crack pipe, it probably isn't a good idea to try to chew and swallow it.

Making photocopies of your OxyContin prescription doesn't mean you can keep getting it filled.

If you have an online pornography addiction, don't steal your mother's credit card to pay for it, especially if you plan on ringing up a $10,000 bill.

Telling police that there's nothing in your purse and that they can go ahead and search it doesn't mean they will ignore that bag of crystal meth inside.

If you are going to put stolen license plates on your van, make the extra effort to put the same plates on the front and on the back.

No matter how much you need electricity in your trailer, it's not a good idea to shimmy up a utility pole and steal power.

When police search your car and find a scale and baggies with white powder residue, telling them, "I'm a chemistry major" will not get you off the hook, especially when you're 37 and not in college.

When telling police that you got the stolen license plates from a fake friend, try to think of a better name than "Jack Daniels."

If you're going to be a deadbeat dad, don't rub it in by writing your ex-wife a check for 1 cent.

Don't threaten witnesses from the jail phone. That warning about calls being recorded is no bluff.

Don't call a locksmith if you can't open the door during a store break-in.

No matter how much you love your old dog, it's not advisable that you violate a restraining order to visit your pooch.

When lucky enough to serve time in a low-security facility, don't spoil it by taking out the trash and never coming back.

If you've just ripped off your dealer and he's chasing you down the street, think twice before calling the police on him.

When the cops find crack in your pocket, don't use the excuse "These aren't my pants!" It's been done.

Reading these reminded me of so many other idiots that recieved some modicum of justice through my efforts. Representing the citizen accused-more than I bring home. Nailing these idiots-priceless.

I appreciated the fellow who destroyed his car on the culvert at the end of our drive late at night. Next morning, there was spilt tranny fluid, gouged blacktop, broken parts, and a very bent culvert at each end. On searching through the debris (car and driver had gone--must have had some help) I discovered the driver had thoughtfully left behind his wallet in the long grass. A few words with the local chief of police plus the gift of the wallet and within 24 hrs the driveway was all fixed up. Better yet, I never had to meet the person.

There was also the person who tore up all their checks returned by the bank and discarded them to blow all over our property. They must have been surprised when they received them back in the mail -- without a return address.

Listen, if they had any sense we would play heck making the boat payments.

Robbery or bank withdrawal?
RR police still studying incident
Round Rock police are trying to figure out how to handle an incident in which a man handed a bank teller a note demanding funds, and then left only with money from his own account Friday.

Shortly after 11 a.m., police received a report of a bank robbery that had just occurred at the Chase bank at 2711 La Frontera Blvd. The caller told dispatchers that a man handed a teller a note asking her to hand over money and then left by himself.

Police were told to be on the lookout for a white male wearing bright orange and black swim trunks and a black T-shirt.

Dispatchers later said they were told the man maintained an account at the bank. He reportedly completed a regular transaction at the bank and left, taking only funds from his account.

The note demanding money had been written on the back of the transaction form the man handed to a teller, police said.

Police are investigating whether the man intended to rob the bank and whether he wrote the note on the back of the form.

No charges had been filed Friday and no arrests had been reported.

The banks are the ones committing robbery from accounts these days, just check out the list of fees for what used to be free. Is that the normal attire for robbers these days?