For those of you who get "jail mail" from time to time, you know there are all sorts of humorous possibilities there. I was going through my jail mail today and found this gem mixed in. I made a copy for re-visitation next time I need a laugh, before forwarding the original to an investigator.

Dec 4th, 2004

Potter County
Check Division

RE: Stop Payment on $800.00 Check for Stolen Carport

Dear Sheriff or Deputy,

I own property in Altus, OK and Amarillo, TX & have Oklahoma Driver's License. On or About Nov 8th, 2004, I was persuaded to buy a stolen carport & gave a $800.00 check. After a few days, I had a change in judgment, making contact with the independent contractor that sold me the stolen carport. They said I can't have my money back, & I asked them to come get it. I made stop payment on it, in Amarillo, TX

Since I no longer want the stolen carport, will I be jailed for the check??

Sincerely,

Defendant Name
Defendant Address
Altus, OK

I suppose what action you may take will depend on whether the contract specified that the carport must be a stolen one? How exactly does one normally go about stealing a carport anyway? Do you reckon the guy who wrote this letter really knew what an "independent contractor" is?

Had a defendant once who wanted to snitch off his friends for dope but he didn't want anyone to know he was conversing with me. So he sent a letter out with a list of people who he could buy dope from and sent it to a friend with instructions to get it to me. Only problem was that the friend's name was on the list. Perhaps the dumber of the two was the friend who went ahead and sent me the letter.

Even though this one is to a judge and not the DA, it's still priceless:

"Judge ***,
I am ****, Inmate in the *** County Jail. I am writing in response to the 10 yrs. in prison that you all gave me. The reason that I am writing is that I can't do 10 years in prison. Therefore, I would ask that you all give me death by lethal injection as soon as possible. I cannot do no 10 years in prison. I was charged with aggravated assault on a police officer, but I never touched a police whatsoever and I can't do time for something I never done. You all revoked my probation on this charge and it's just too many years for something I never done. Please except my plea for the injection effective immediately (now). I beg for the court for my plea to be carried out soon as possible. I have that right."

I can't do pen time, but I am willing to accept the lethal injection?! Why aren't my defendants this accomodating? They are usually trying to get me to reduce their time, not give them a worse penalty.