Why not make bumpin' and grindin' by high school cheerleaders a crime? Isn't that how we solve all social problems? And what would be the name of this crime?

Legislator wants cheerleaders to keep their routines clean

Bill would ban sexually suggestive performances at school events

AUSTIN - The Friday night lights in Texas could soon be without bumpin' and grindin' cheerleaders.

Legislation filed by Rep. Al Edwards, D-Houston, would put an end to "sexually suggestive" performances at athletic events and other extracurricular competitions.

"It's just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they're shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down," said Edwards, a 26-year veteran of the Texas House. "And then we say to them, 'Don't get involved in sex unless it's marriage or love, it's dangerous out there,' and yet the teachers and directors are helping them go through those kind of gyrations."

Under Edwards' bill, if a school district knowingly permits such a performance, funds from the state would be reduced in an amount to be determined by the education commissioner.

Edwards said he filed the bill as a result of several instances of seeing such ribald performances in his district.

J.M. Farias, owner of Austin Cheer Factory, said cheerleading aficionados would welcome the law. Cheering competitions, he said, penalize for suggestive movements or any vulgarity.

"Any coaches that are good won't put that in their routines," he said. And, most girls cheering on Friday nights are trained by professionals who know better, he said.

Would Aggravated Bumping and Grinding be a felony? Maybe even make it a 3g offense?

Well--its obvious that Austin view such flagrant displays as sinful. From my observation, when Austin views something as sinful, they either tax it or make it a crime. Didn't someone down there mention something about needing to come up with some additional school funding?

Just a thought.

Who, pray tell, would be the arbitor of "good taste" in this enforcement scheme?

Greg, you must not have read the whole thing. The proposal is to set up a GAME Commission for this purpose (Gluteal Abominations Monitoring and Enforcement), commission members to be specially selected from legislators who will selflessly donate their time to ensuring that no one but their beleaguered selves will ever again have to endure such a sight.

Elizabeth Foley
Ass't Crim. D.A.
Galveston County

I think they are going by the age old tradition of I can't give you a good definition, but I know it when I see it. Maybe some fella will volunteer to be the cheerleader policeman?

I can't recall the time that I ever saw a "ribald" cheerleader performance at a High School Football Game. I did, however, see on in the recent football movie "The Replacements" with Keanu Reeves.

In that movie, "professional" exotic dancers are recruited to somewhat augment the cheerleader squad, leading to some distracting cheerleading maneuvers that causes some problems for the other team regarding their attention span to the task of football.

Has anyone other than Rep. Edwards seen these "ribald" displays by public school cheerleaders?

All of our problems with school finance, prison crowding and the like must be solved. Stay tuned for exclusive photos of lions and lambs adjusting their sleep number beds. Sheesh!

Would this, perhaps, be the first Visual Assault crime? If so, I can see a list forming. What other things do we not want to "see"?

ANY male in Speedos - beach, pool of wherever. Don't want to see it. Would be willing to sign the complaint/info. Heck, the Olympic swimmers are getting away from them. Stores that sell them could be pursued like head shops and adult book/video stores. I "studied" in Europe the summer after my first year in law school. Saw enough to make me think some things European should stay European and in Europe.
Also:
Lots of folk (male or female) in spandex that really, really shouldn't be allowed to wear it. MAYBE in the privacy of your own home, but not in public, and PLEASE, NOT IN COURT. Not sure if it should be criminal, but after one lady last week, I am at a pretty persuadable place (you just know that she signed a waiver). Sort of a know it when I see it case, but I know I could prove it at trial. Just got to get thru Voir Dire.

The midsection of females with more midsection than good sense

Any piercing other than the ear lobe (once only, please)

Cell phones to the ear while shopping, driving or picking out a video (you knew I was putting that one on the list)

Tatoos

Feminine product commercials

Viagra, etc., commercials

Yet another SUV climbing a mountain in a commercial

Men with cologne on airplanes

Anything else?

Ditech commercials
Bowflex commercials, especially where the guy is claiming to be 41 -- he's been saying that for about 6 years now. And, I want to see that supposed 50-year-old grandmother's birth certificate, not her throw-down one, either. Then I want to see her chearleading uniform.

OK, but what about those skin tight outfits the wrestlers wear as they are grappling about on the floor? I presume our esteemed legislator would like to be even handed in his attempt to stamp out adolescent purience.

If Rep. Edwards truly wants to stamp out all that is offensive, in addition to the offerings above I humbly submit the following suggestions as committee amendments to his bill:

1. Reality TV
2. Stratocasters made in other countries
3. Low carb beer
4. Any ad requiring a medical disclaimer
5. Award shows lasting longer than 1 1/2 hours
6. Decals with Calvin urinating on anything
7. Windy days from March 1 to October 31.
8. Mullets
9. People from northern states who make fun of us southerners by calling us "mulletheads"
10. Running shorts (see discussion of Spandex above)
11. Turning without using a signal (Oh, yeah. That's already supposed to be illegal.)
12. Snotty Starbucks employees
13. $2.00-plus per gallon gas
14. Lawyers who blame everything on their secretaries
15. People who try to look you in the eye on the elevator
16. Snoop Dogg

Don't forget Telecasters made in countries other than USA. Remember, the humble Broadcaster led the way for the Strat.

Vacuum Tubes made in Russia and China.

Any drums made anywhere other than USA or Canada.

capri pants.

Starbucks employees who are incapable in the morning rush hour of making a tall double latte in less than 10 minutes with only 2 other customers in store.

Public (i.e. partially or wholly tax funded, like Pacifica) radio stations that are located in the State of Texas that do not devote at least 80% of their playlist to Texas musicians exclusively.

This is why sensible schools have "Yell Leaders".

Football Player Caught With Stolen Sheep

March 16, 2005 10:24 PM EST


CORVALLIS, Ore. - An Oregon State football had a stolen sheep in the bed of his pickup when he was pulled over for speeding last week, Benton County authorities said.


Defensive tackle Ben Siegert, 20, was charged with driving under the influence of intoxicants after failing field sobriety tests. Ninety minutes after being pulled over, the 280-pound Siegert registered a .14 percent blood-alcohol content on a breath analyzer at the Benton County Jail, according to the sheriff's office. Oregon considers drivers with a .08 percent blood alcohol content to be drunk.


Siegert told the (Corvallis) Gazette-Times that he had nothing to do with the stolen ram.


"I don't know anything about that," he said. "I'm from a city. I don't know anything about sheep."


Benton County Undersheriff Diana Simpson disagreed, saying Siegert might have been "too intoxicated to remember."


The 200-pound ram lives at the university's Sheep Center, and is part of a study on homosexuality in sheep, said Sheep Center manager Tom Nichols.


"We have at least one prank a year where we have to go to a dormitory or a sorority house and pick up a ram or a lamb or a ewe," Nichols said. "It's one of those springtime pranks."


The deputy chose not to arrest anybody for taking the sheep.


Coach Mike Riley is still evaluating Siegert's situation, said Steve Fenk, the Oregon State sports information director.


"At this point they're just going to deal with it internally," Fenk said. "I don't know if it's going to affect spring practice."

Scott,

I thought for sure you would have had this on your list. Often a topic of morning conservations around the coffee pot up there.

Are the sheep for this study selected from those found backing up to fences along the routes leading to College Station?

Commentary: John Kelso

The terrorists have won: Lawmaker wants to take the shake out of cheerleading

AMERICAN-STATESMAN STAFF

Sunday, March 27, 2005

The trouble with a bill filed by state Rep. Al Edwards, D-Houston, that would put the kibosh on cheerleaders shaking their booty at high school football games?

Texas would have to form a special agency to monitor the tailfeather situation. To enforce such a law, some sort of board would have to be created to attend games and check out the cheerleaders.

The creation of such a body would mean the Capitol would be flooded with dirty old men trying to land a spot on it. Although I'm not sure how you'd tell them from the lobbyists.

What would you call the governing board in charge of overlooking the funky chicken problem? How about the Bipartisan Observational Organization on Booty -- or, if you will, BOOB?

If you were a BOOB member, and you were an old guy like me, you'd have to wear a large badge identifying yourself as a BOOB member, or the police would run you in like Michael Jackson at a Cub Scout meeting.

I'm thinking the badge would have to be pretty specific, too. A big button that just said simply BOOB on it probably wouldn't work. Especially if your job is to sit there and stare at high school girls for two hours and take notes.

Which makes you wonder: How did the upstanding Edwards notice the problem in the first place?

It's nice to know that things are running so efficiently in Texas that Edwards can find time to deal with pompon management.

He says he filed the bill because there have been too darned many lascivious cheerleading performances in his district.

"It's just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they're shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down," he said.

By the way, Edwards is the guy who wants to have an 11-foot statue that looks a lot like him placed on the Capitol grounds as part of a Juneteenth Memorial. After hearing about his cheerleader bill, I figure he'd be better off bronzed.

You hear about how the Democrats are becoming like the Republicans. If this isn't a prime example, I don't know what is. In the old days, the Democrats simply would have taxed cleavage.

One thing Edwards' bill proves, though: The terrorists really have won, haven't they?

Here we are in Texas, home of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, who invented the cheerless cheerleader routine and elevated the art form from sis to boom bah to hubba hubba ding ding. And we have a 26-year veteran of the state House who wants to put a damper on a Lone Star State football tradition. This is a very un-Texan bill. It's kinda like banning rodeo or country and western music.

And what if this, God forbid, spreads to college football?

I've got an old hippie bachelor friend who used to go to University of Texas football games with me. At each game, at least once, he would ask to borrow my binoculars.

And every single time, it was to get a closer look at the UT cheerleaders. I don't think he ever once looked through my binoculars to see who was playing tailback. He just wanted to look at tail.

Edwards, don't ruin the game, OK?