This thread is dedicated to the ridiculous things done by people under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Officers have standardized FST's that assist them in determining whether a suspect is intoxicated. But, for some cases, there is a better indicator: the suspect is doing something only a drunk would do.

And I will start off with this example:

Police say they charged a Pennsylvania man with public drunkenness after he was seen trying to resuscitate a long-dead opossum along a highway.

Details. [Is it too much of a stretch to guess that this man also noodles?]Related thread.

OK, let's hear your examples of things only a drunk would do.

[This message was edited by JB on 03-27-10 at .]

Take nine step out and nine steps back on the walk and turn. Or maybe I should say he took nine backward steps on the walk and turn.

Or the one I just indicted.

Trooper: Okay, I'm going give you some sobriety tests now.

Driver: Don't waste your time, I'm drunk!

In my experience, only the worst of the drunks say "But I passed evry one of them there tests that you just give me!" The ones who are borderline at least understand that we're not trying to determine if they're too drunk to stand up...

officer: no sir, that's your home depot card. no sir, that's your museum card. no sir, that's your visa card.

and how about this one...
the "drunk guy" is in the back of the patrol car while officers are milling about at the scene still and the drunk guy, on tape of course, starts talking to the jury... "good morning ladies and gentlemen of the jury. thank you for being here this fine day..." not kidding. he had been found not guilty TWICE by a jury in the past. not this time! :-)

same guy who talked to the jury... pulled up behind an off duty deputy on the side of the road and asked him if he had any beer! the deputy said, yeah--bud light. so the drunk guy came up to the deputy's truck, of course reeking of alcohol, at which time the deputy told him he was being detained and the evading started.

you just can't make this stuff up.

Back in the good old ALR days, I had a pro se defendant who testified on his own behalf to the effect that "honestly,Judge, I only drank two beers." On cross, I asked him how big were the glasses. He held his hands several inches apart and replied, "you know, the 22 ounce schooners." (He'd also said the same thing to the arresting Officer!)

Suspension sustained (The ALR judge had a very hard time not laughing out loud!)

Janette A

Drunk to trooper in the patrol car before they head to the jail: "You stole my cell phone."

Trooper: No, sir, I haven't seen a cell phone and it wasn't in your car for the inventory.

But he goes to look for the guy anyway.

Trooper: No cell phone. I couldn't find it in your car anywhere.

Drunk: Well why don't you call the number, dumbass. (yes, on the video).

Trooper, laughing: Well, that's a good point, what's the number?

Drunk gives him the number, trooper calls it, and it is answered by some guy standing outside a bar where the drunk dropped it.

Trooper pulls drunk over for driving several tenths of a mile accross center stripe (captured on video).
Trooper: Did you know you were driving accross the center stripe
Drunk: No I wasn't, I was in the left lane
Trooper: So I didn't see what I saw?
Drunk: Thats right, you didn't see what you saw

After Trooper arrests and puts drunk in front seat of patrol car, reads warnings, etc., he tells drunk he is going to inventory his truck. As he gets out Trooper tells drunk that he is on video and audio and every thing he says and does is being recorded (split screen). After Trooper gets out drunk starts cursing Trooper, calling him every name in his limited vocabulary, goes on and on, every other word f word. Continues to scream and curse Trooper until Trooper walks back to patrol car. Trooper gets in car, drunk falls asleep and sleeps all the way to jail.

...have a men's room sign in his pocket and not know it, hit on the trooper by calling him a "gay cowboy" over and over, and try to masturbate in the front seat of the patrol car.

I so wish I had a copy of that DVD.

Drunk in a bar and can't get out, who you gonna call? Police. That's what Todd Fitzwater did in Lexington. WLEX-TV reported Fitzwater called 911 Thursday and said he'd gotten drunk and passed out at Todd's Karaoke Bar the night before, awakened and had a few more - then couldn't get out of the bar, which was closed.

Details.

Last summer we had one who pulled up to two troopers on the side of the road and asked for directions, open beer in console, slurring his speech.

At hearing, the defense attorney argued that there was no reasonable suspicion to initiate contact.

Stopped, around 8 pm, for inop license plate light. Trooper hands him a warning ticket. As trooper is walking away, driver says, "Did I do something wrong?"

The encounter went downhill for him from there.

Many years ago I had a felony DWI case when I was on the other side. On the video the officer explains the sobriety task to the defendant, asks the defendant if he understands the task, then tells the defendant "go ahead". The defendant, on video, becomes outraged and tells the officer "Don't call me no goat-head". The officer responds "No sir, I said 'go ahead'" Becoming even more offended the defendant again responds "Don't call me goat-head". The defendant insisted on a jury trial. With joy in their hearts the jury found the defendant GUILTY and the judge provided the defendant with free room and board for quite some time.

...drive his car onto a police driving school track (during training).

"SOUTH KITSAP � Police arrested a 44-year-old Port Orchard man for DUI Monday night after he reportedly drove his truck right onto a track where officers were conducting emergency vehicle training, according to documents filed in Kitsap County District Court."

Police said a Massachusetts man headed to a Vermont prison to serve a two-day sentence for driving under the influence was intoxicated when he drove himself to prison.

Details.

...get into a wreck with a judge that sentenced him to probation for DWI 12 years earlier.

the article

...ride drunk on Mule Day.

Details.

...try to drink from the breathalyzer.

Here is the video.