That is absolute sacrilege. We should petition the Ledge to add "Misuse of a Pecan Pie" next session. It ought to be at least a state jail felony.

Which reminds me, I've still got a bag of paper shells my sister sent home with me from Thanksgiving that need to be pied...

Cops: Florida woman attacked disabled boyfriend with uncooked steak

DECEMBER 8--Meet Elsie Egan. The Florida woman, 53, is facing a felony domestic abuse charge for allegedly striking her boyfriend several times in the head with a raw steak, according to police.

The rest of the story ...

BOUTTE, La. � A 44-year-old woman was booked with second-degree battery after allegedly pouring a pot of boiling grits onto her sleeping boyfriend.


http://ap.amarillonet.com/pstories/20091210/534276600.shtml

The degree of offense in that case, of course, depends on whether the weapon consisted of "real" grits or instant grits. As we know from "My Cousin Vinny," no self-respecting Southerner would be caught dead using instant grits, which I suppose would allow for an enhancement.

I guess she didn't want Grits for Breakfast after all.

Bay County deputies say a 23-year-old man who was shocked with a stun gun died after choking on a large bag of marijuana during an attempted arrest.

Details.

Doctors in Brazil are baffled as to how 50 sewing needles got inside the body of a 2-year-old boy.



Details.

A Memphis attorney bit off part of a man's nose during a fight in a restaurant bathroom. A lawsuit filed by Greg Herbers claims attorney Mark Lambert attacked him last June after Herbers asked two men in a bathroom stall to get out so that he could use it.

Details.

A 36-year-old man was charged Thursday with beating his children's mother with a crowbar so severely she is not expected to survive, officials said.

Details.

A banjo player accused of assaulting another man with his instrument will get to keep pickin' while awaiting his trial. Joseph Stancato, 33, of Denver faces second-degree assault charges after allegedly hitting another man upside the head with his banjo on New Year's Eve. Authorities said Stancato got into an argument with two men at a bus stop.

District Judge James Boyd on Monday approved Stancato's request to be allowed on the road to tour with a band while awaiting his next court date Feb. 6.

The banjo is considered "a deadly weapon" under Colorado law, so Stancato could face prison time, the Aspen Daily News reported.

Source.

[This entry may well represent some sort of planet-aligning moment. Let's all take a moment to appreciate the lunacy. OK, now, begin the commentary.... A.P., could you begin by providing us with a transcript of the actual argument that took place at the bus stop, causing this banjo/DW moment?]

[This message was edited by JB on 01-06-10 at .]

[This message was edited by JB on 01-06-10 at .]

My guess, without reading the article, is that the victim told what is known as "a banjo joke". Although banjoists feel there is no such thing as a banjo joke, obviously, the irony is that they themselves are often the joke. Except for my good friend A.P.

Or perhaps the victim was regaling the banjoist with the dangers of the banjo, as set out below.

I think the post made by A.W. on the issue several years ago says it all, and you can read the whole thread here at THE LAST BANJO THREAD.

In her impeccable research, AW discovered the following article, which following her post, I reprint below:

Sorry, AP, I was trying to find some pictures to help support you, but all I found was Banjo Players Anonymous and Banjo: A Vicious Habit (described as "An Illustrated Moral Tale of Uplifting Content Written for the Edification of Our Young People", how can you beat that?). I think the cards are stacked against you.

Here's the text of the moral tale:

Banjo: a Vicious Habit

An Illustrated Moral Tale of Uplifting Content
Written for the Edification of Our Young People

As a matter of course, Mothers of Good Family warn their daughters about Banjo Players, Rock Musicians, Programmers and other such low-life Rounders that might take advantage of their tender young Womanhood. Sadly, the romantic appeal of the Banjo Player will slip into their tender young psyches and thus, they are ruined for life.

Fast Cars and Fast Women occupy his thoughts and days, and he develops Bad Habits and associates with Bad Company. He has too much fun.

The unsuspecting young Woman thinks she can Change His Evil Ways, but the Call of the Banjo is too great even for True Love. Ah, Beware!

His time with his family grows less and less, as he plays more and more Banjo tunes, becomes fascinated with Earl Scruggs, Doug Dillard and Bela Fleck, and sighs over the few Female Banjo Players (and what a depraved breed they are!).

His children are reduced to selling matches on the Street, clad only in rags. They are mocked by others and icicles form upon their noses. Oh, the Horror of it all!

He locks himself in the bathroom to read the latest catalogs from Gruhn and the Mandolin Brothers. His wrist becomes very strong.

There is No Cure. Even Banjos Anonymous cannot help this one, for he is too far gone in his Depravity.

He hangs about bar rooms and coffee houses with other depraved types like fiddlers, guitarists and mandolin players and tends to eat toothpicks.

He criticizes Pete Seeger and he visits Music Stores in strange places.

He learns to play the old Clawhammer style and affects Hats from the 1940's. He begins to play Old Time Music.

He reads Cherry Poptart comic books, "Tiajuana Bibles," sings Depraved Songs about Murders and Desperate Escapades, and reads "Banjo Newsletter."

Evangelists devote Tracts to him.

Ultimately, the Addiction will run it's course, and the banjo player will Pass On to whatever reward is waiting for him on the Other Side.

From the San Jose TattleTale legal desk
(Ap-upI)
Informed sources report that a banjo player, distrougt - distraut - dist... - upset over the rising cost of medium gauge banjo strings and the declaration by the Colorado courts that a banjo is a deadly weapon, was seen printing out a hard copy of this thread, now approaching 26 pages in length, and using the manuscript to threaten members of the Colorado legislature.
The suspect was seen brandishing the paperwork in the faces of the potential victims, telling them that his state representative had agreed to read all of the posts in the thread in a filibuster attempt that would bring the state to its knees, from Leadville to Cripple Creek.
(Ed. note: "Cripple Creek" is a very popular banjo tune, but not related to this article.)
Exit Only

If you read closely, you will note that the writer of the article displays leanings that smack of sympathy for the banjoist's plight. How many respectable people (which, of course, definitionally excludes musicians -- particularly those who play bluegrass) use the phrase "upside the head" in daily parlance?

But are we to so easily cast aside the American Banjo as an icon of cornpone? I have yet to see critical analysis of the jew's harp or washboard, despite their obvious utility as deadly weapons in their own rights. And what of "respectable" musical instruments? Isn't the only difference between a violin and a fiddle the distinction between a tuxedo bow tie and a bolo? The compassion of a society is measured by its treatment of its banjoists. Have a heart, people.

Court papers allege that an Olympia woman, angry that her husband left her, tampered with his power tools so that he received a powerful electric shock. Carolyn Paulsen-Riat was booked Friday into the Thurston County Jail for investigation of third-degree assault, domestic violence, and second-degree malicious mischief. A judge released the 33-year-old woman on her own recognizance.

Details.

In hindsight, the offense may not be as serious as the headline led me to believe ...

Man arrested for sjambokking niece

15 January 2010

A man was arrested in Sharpeville [South Africa] on Friday morning for allegedly whipping his 23-year-old niece with a sjambok.

A police spokesman, Inspector Aubrey Moopeloa, said that the 36-year-old had sjambokked his niece on Sunday evening when her boyfriend visited her against his orders.

http://www.dailynews.co.za/?fSectionId=&fArticleId=nw20100115160258521C193575

(Paging Mr. Diepraam, Mr. Warren Diepraam ...)

A Jonesville woman was charged with biting off part of her sister's nose. Bobbie Smith was held in the Jackson County Jail on a $5,000 bond after her arraignment Tuesday on charges including mayhem and domestic violence.

Details.

The sjambok or litupa is the traditional heavy leather whip of South Africa, sometimes seen as synonymous with apartheid but actually much older and still used outside the official judiciary. It is traditionally made from an adult hippopotamus (or rhinoceros) hide, or possibly from the penis of either species, but is also commonly made out of plastic.

Details.

I wonder what they use to make banjos in South Africa.

Mayhem was a common law crime that involved the mutilation or amputation of a body part (e.g., fingers, hands, eyes, etc.). The theory behind it was that if certain body parts were lost or rendered useless, the person could not aid in battle. It is akin to our crime of aggravated assault - SBI.

More than a million Graco strollers recalled after 5 fingertip amputations.

Details.