Shannon, first of all, give yourself a TDCAA hat for that one. Secondly, did the defendant have one of those "I Brake for ________" bumper stickers? And if so, what would go in the blank?

How about when those assault defendants grab the victims' throat and chock them?

Yeah, but as a former pilot, I know that a chock is a piece of wood used to brace aircraft tires. (Usually a substantial piece of wood.) So, I just figure they got 'em by the throat and are applying the "chock" about the victim's person.

In following Shannon Edmonds' attempt to keep this thread alive, I have to share the strangest writ application of my career.

The defendant, Bruce Albert Kirk, claimed in his writ application that the trial court had "arbitrarily re-named" him without his consent to "William T. Kirk." He reasoned that since his cases styled William T. Kirk v. The State of Texas had been reversed due to insufficent evidence, presumably due to his status as a citizen of the United Federation of Planets and not of the great State of Texas, he was being illegally confined under his true name, Bruce. His claim was completely without factual support and was denied; however, I'm sure the significance of the name change will not be lost to all those Trekkies out there.

As an aside, how many of you got the Trivial Pursuit question right about what the "T" stands for in Captain Kirk's name?...right!...Tiberius.

But in any event, "Live long and prosper William T. Kirk a/k/a Bruce Albert Kirk!"

I had a municipal court clerk that ask the difference between a plea of guilty and a plea of "no mo'". Please, I just want it to stop. "Nolo Contendere", French for "I give up". (or is that redundant)

With respect Jane S, venerable originator of this thread, I say the most mispronounced term of art amoong lawyers is "absentia." Again today a lawyer suggested to me that the D could be paroled in absTENTia. When will it end, Oh Lord?

[This message was edited by BLeonard on 11-03-03 at .]

When will it end? You mean the butchering of the English language, or this thread? This one was just too good to pass up, though: I just saw a defendant's mother testify in his trial. The defense attorney asked her name. She gave her current married name, then asked, "Would you like my MATING NAME, too?" (Apparently, her "mating name" being the name she held before she was married??) She then said that the defendant and his ex-wife had engaged over the years in "one upsomeship." The court reporter said, "What?" and mom repeated, "One upsomeship."

Did this "one upsomeship" occur while they were on a cruise?

The D demanded sex from his wife after a day of drinking and cocaine ingestion. The police report recites that after the non-consensual act, the D "dosed" off.

[This message was edited by BLeonard on 10-17-03 at .]

We now need Diane to run up a list of convictions involving "mortal turpitude." I guess those are the sorts of things that win you a Darwin award, too.

... but I still have a few good ones left, including this example of creative report writing by an officer who noticed a parked truck matching the description of one listed as being stolen and tried to investigate further:

"Due to the large amount of bird fecal matter that was virtually covering the vehicle, it seemed unlikely that a square inch of printable surface space existed on the truck. In addition to that, the birds that had initially delivered the ordinance were still quite present and very active and in a position of tactical superiority that made close inspection of the vehicle very hazardous ..."

On a Wood County offense report, a deputy needed to look down a well, so he used a "down hole illumination device." It only took us a few minutes to figure out he meant a flashlight. This same deputy was also fond of "alight[ing]from [his] patrol unit."

From a recent offense report of a burglary. "Once power was restored to the business, I had Ms. X reenter the building... and attempt to tell me if any VISIBLE items had been STOLEN."

I have tried to keep from posting anything in this thread (even though I have enjoyed reading it), but I have to do it. I was reading a confession yesterday from a guy who was exposing himself to women. He admitted that he was, "MASTER BAITING" in front of them. Unless he is an accomplished fisherman, I think the jury will get the idea.

Does anyone else cringe when they get a case file with an entry in the offense report like this ...

"I have been advised that UUMV will not be filed in this case due to the fact that the case stinks and does not meet UUMV requirements. (The victim's story is not believable at this time.)"

That needs to be a classic example of "how not to" in someone's next report-writing class!

From a case report on a burglary of a building: "items were inside his tool shed, which was secured by a paddle lock."

(BTW fishing rods were among the items taken.)

This comes from a Potter County DPS report on a traffic stop where dope was found in the vehicle:

"At 2:21 p.m there were clear skies with a strong breeze blowing northeast at twenty-five miles per hour. I could see the large branches on the trees in motion. You could her whistling in the telegraph wires [evidently telephones have yet to reach Potter County]. Air temperature was at sixty-seven degrees and the dew point was at forty degrees."

Ten single spaced pages later--when he takes the person into custody:

"Acting in an objectively good faith manner and relying upon the outstanding warrant issued by a neutral magistrate based on probable cause, I informed [the Defendant] of the outstanding warrant and placed her under arrest."

Guessing either new trooper or someone who went back to school and just finished their masters in english.

[This message was edited by Robert S. DuBoise on 10-31-03 at .]

A reference to the new heart "difibubalator" we have in the lobby of our courthouse reminded me of this thread.

From a Pro-se plaintiff in a Civil hearing in my court yesterday, explaining why he was Pro-se: "My previous lawyer refused himself from my case and is not representing me anymore."

Refusal, recusal.

Since this string has been revived, I just read this in a transcript of a misdemeanor DWI trial:

THE BAILIFF: All right. This court is now in session.

My guess is the bailiff was upset about a delay? Or, maybe just eager to get to work.

[This message was edited by Gordon LeMaire on 03-03-04 at .]